disease

anything that i’ve done
in the past six months
has been done
perfunctorily
for i am never free
of the thought of
the phone call or
the conversation that
informs me that
‘you’ will not be continuing
your role in ‘us’

we are both in demand and
where i ignore my inbox and
select not to make you aware
as not to upset you
(ever cognizant that you
in all of your outward confidence
are actually quite jealous)
you choose to tell me
of your paramours
making me think that whether it’s
tomorrow or beyond
that perhaps my days as they say are numbered

i do not know if this type of thinking
is healthy
(i suppose not)
but it does make me work harder
and be better
(while in the back of my head are
the voices from the past
telling me that
i am of no worth or value and
what the hell happened to you)
so thinking that
despising me is a pandemic
or at least an epidemic
i continue to wait for you to be
infected with this disease